Title: Half Cocked

Author: nezmai

Rating:  PG-13 for swearing, 
innuendo, and that title

Spoilers: only in my mind

Disclaimer: Everything belongs 
to FOX, 1013 and Chris Carter - 
I make no money on this.  In fact, 
I probably lost money on the 
deal.

Additional disclaimer: The 
duckies made me do it!

xxxxxxx


I need to blast the crap out of 
something.

So here I am at the FBI firing 
range on a Friday night.  A 
Friday night where it seems 
every other FBI agent has 
acquired a real life or something 
close to it.  If it had been any 
other Friday night over the past 
three months I would be at 
Scully's, just finishing up 
making our dinner.  Scully would 
be at Quantico, helping out with 
a backlog of work and hopefully 
endearing the X-Files division to 
the lab boys there.  Right about 
now a tired- from-God-knows-
how-many-autopsies Scully 
would be coming through the 
door only to be steered into a 
nice hot bath.  Afterwards, a 
fresh, damp Scully would sit 
down to hot meal that includes 
all four food groups.  Finally, to 
the bedroom to undo some of the 
cleaning effects of her bath and 
followed with our imitation of 
little baby cats. 

I know I practically live at her 
apartment now.  The last time I 
checked my fish had apparently 
figured that out and evolved, 
leaving the tank as bare as the 
rest of the place.  But Friday 
nights are special - no work, just 
us.

All that changed last week.  I 
came across some 
information... all right.  I read her 
journal.  Look, I'm in her 
apartment, bored, and it's right 
there on her desk.  Ok, in her 
desk.  Hell, locked in her desk 
but damn it she knows I know 
how to pick a lock, for 
Chrissake's!  Besides, after all 
this time I'm still getting the 
"fines" - "everything's fine 
Mulder" - I just wanted to be 
sure.

Her journal is such a kick - full 
of little To Do Lists, quotes, 
charts and graphs - so organized 
and so Scully.  So last week I 
read the entry "Things to do 
about Mulder's problem".  Then 
the only entry after that - 
"Viagra?" 

I have never, never... well that 
one time but we'd both had a lot 
to drink and anyway I've never 
left her unsatisfied.

Have I?

Scully would tell me.  Scully 
would know that I'd be 
embarrassed and sorry.  Scully 
would rather chew off her hand 
then hurt me.  Ergo, Scully will 
never mention that I don't make 
her, the only woman I've ever 
really loved, happy.  

Fuck.

"Agent Mulder, are you alright?"

"Sir.  Yes, Sir, I'm fine.  The 
dust in here just makes my eyes 
water."

"I see that - it also seems to 
affect your shooting as well. 
Center of Mass, Mulder."

I want to ask our AD what he's 
doing here on a Friday night but I 
guess he's low on real life too.  
He steps behind me and grasps 
both my forearms.  

"Loosen up Mulder.  If you're 
tense your aim will be off.  You 
want a relaxed grip so you don't 
jerk and fire prematurely."  

Skinner runs his hand down my 
arm and clasps it over mine to 
prove his point.  It hits me then 
why I'm at the firing range... 

Freud can kiss my ass.

I'm suddenly reminded of hips 
before hands as I ease away from 
Skinner. "Thank you Sir, but my 
allergies are killing me.  I think 
I'll just head home.  Have a good 
evening Sir."

Off his nod I leave.  I hope I 
haven't offended him.  Shit, 
when Scully dumps me Skinner 
may be the only person willing to 
be around me.  If we started 
dating my "problem" wouldn't 
matter because he'd probably be 
the one...

Nevermind.

Shaking that thought loose, I 
reach for my cell and dial the 
only number that can save me.

xxxxxxx  

I don't hear anything as I let 
myself into Scully's with a large 
Antonio's "Super Vegetarian 
Pizza with light cheese" or as I 
call it "an abomination".  As I 
put the pizza on her kitchen table 
I see what else is on it - her 
journal, opened to a page that 
reads - 

"Mulder - don't snoop."

I can smell her lemon shampoo 
even before her arms go around 
my waist.  I hear a soft sniff.

"You've been at the firing 
range."

"Guilty on both counts, Agent 
Scully."

I turn in her arms to face her.  
"I'm sorry Scully."

She tilts her chin on my chest 
and looks me in the eyes.  
"You're fixing that desk drawer.  
But I should have just told you I 
knew and not teased you.  I'm 
sorry too."

"So I don't need Viagra?"

"Please, some weekends I can 
barely walk as it is."

Her wicked grin almost distracts 
me but I have to say it.  "We 
need to talk to each other more 
Scully.  A bridge of 
communication, if you will."

"I promise I will try as long as 
you never call it that again.  Let's 
eat."

"Nope," I turn her towards the 
bedroom, "first I've got to show 
you some moves I picked up 
from Skinner."

I try not to laugh as her eyebrow 
disappears beneath her hairline.

"Trust me Scully - you're gonna 
love it."

The End