TITLE: I Wish
AUTHOR: Jen Green
RATING: G
CLASSIFICATION: VA
SPOILERS: Teeny, tiny little one for "Millennium". If you
          blink, you'll miss it.
DISTRIBUTION: Just ask me first, please!
FEEDBACK: If you like it, direct all feedback to jen@mddsg.com.
          If you don't, the address is notmyemail@elsewhere.com.
SUMMARY: I saw the most gorgeous double rainbow one day last
         summer and was disappointed that there was no one
         else with me to share it. I started to wonder if
         anyone else might feel the same way in the same
         situation.
DISCLAIMER: Don't own who? I don't see any names here, do you?
AUTHOR'S NOTES: It's my first time. Be gentle!


I wish...
-------------

Sometimes it strikes with all the subtlety of a brick wall, this
hundred-pound ball of lead that takes up residence in the center 
of my chest, pressing down on me until I can scarcely breathe 
under its weight. A physical manifestation of my emotional state,
it seems only fitting that it should resemble the beginning stages
of a cardiac event, leaving me dizzy and breathless and aching.
After all, isn't it my heart that's dying off one tiny piece at a 
time? 

Other times, it begins as a ghostly touch - phantom lips pressed 
oh so briefly to the base of my neck, the spectral glide of gentle
fingers fleetingly tracing the span of my waist. Each contact is 
more elusive than a whisper into the wind, yet no less devastating
to my peace of mind than a scream that shatters the stillness of 
the night. My skin grows taut as the need arises throughout every
inch of my flesh - a fierce longing that can only be assuaged by 
hands not my own. We are taught from a young age that certain
things are necessary to facilitate human life: water, oxygen, 
nourishment. I'm fast learning that corporeal affection is another.

But no matter what form of representation my loneliness chooses
for itself, its inception is nearly always the same. Some small, 
seemingly innocuous event will serve as the unwitting catalyst for
the dark despair that suddenly blurs my vision and clogs my throat
with unshed tears as I am once again reminded that I am truly 
alone. There is no consistency to the vehicle, making impossible 
the attempt to steer clear of its path. An old married couple 
walking hand-in-hand, a song on the radio, there is no rhyme or 
reason that can predict which tiny slice of everyday life will be 
the next to knock down whatever little bit of sanguinity I've been
able to rebuild since the last. Today, it was a rainbow.

Two of them, actually.

As far as summer days go, this one had thus far done nothing to 
lend itself any sort of individuality - the same sun meandered 
slowly towards the same horizon as the sky continued to vascillate 
between clear and cloud. It was, in effect, a mirror image of many
of my days of late, the air hot and thick and gray, a perfect foil 
for my own overcast mood as I drove from one inconsequential place 
to another. Somehow though, in those last few lingering moments as 
afternoon gave way to evening, the elements came together in a 
last-ditch effort to slough off the mundane in favor of the 
mystical. 

While rainbows are inherently beautiful by nature, I must say, the 
picture presented to me then was nothing short of singular in its 
splendor. The primary arc stretched gracefully across the horizon, 
its vibrant hues in vivid contrast with the steel background of 
the clouds, the combination serving to produce the brightest, most 
colorful display I've ever had the opportunity to witness outside 
of a digitally enhanced photograph. I found myself pulling the car 
to the side of the road in order to better concentrate my 
attention on the unexpected scene. 

It was then that I noticed the other. Peering over the shoulder of
the first like a curious, younger sibling was a second rainbow, 
not quite as brilliant or substantial, but still colorful enough 
to do Roy G. Biv proud. I gazed at the vision in awe, a smile 
curving my lips for the first time in days, and turned without 
conscious thought to the vacant seat beside me.

"Isn't it lovely..." The grin slid slowly from my face as the 
realization struck home that I had no one with whom to share this 
exquisite sight. No one to regale me with tales of leprechauns and 
pots of gold. No one to hear my denials of such frivolities as I 
rationally endeavor to explain how the refraction of the sun 
through the distant raindrops, and not little green men, is what 
creates the dazzling exhibit before us. No one to smile 
indulgently as I lecture on the fact that this presentation would 
not even be possible were the elements not combined in such a way 
that there was precisely a 42 degree angle between the sun at our 
backs, the rain ahead, and our eyes. No one to fondly let me know 
that "nobody likes a math geek". No one to implore me to put aside 
what I know to be true in order explore the more extreme 
possibilities. 

No one.

And as I sat in my car, the tears tracing their now-familiar path 
down my cheeks, I strove to do just that. I closed my eyes and 
opened my heart, placing my faith in what some legends claim to 
be a bridge between the Earth and the Gods, praying that somehow, 
someway, one of them may heed my yearning.

"I wish..."