?Title: Dark, Dear Heart
Author: Catherine McLarney
E-Mail Address: cemclarney@hotmail.com
Distribution: If you want it, it's yours. With my
name and e-mail attached.
Spoiler Warning: Post-ep for Orison, but no real
spoilers. Vague reference to Redux II.
Rating: PG at most. One bad word.
Classification: V maybe a little A. Mulder POV
Summary: Too short to deserve one. Author's notes
at end.

**************************************************************

Infomercial. Infomercial. News. Music video. Infomercial.
Infomercial. 500 channels and nothing on. Not that I'm
watching, really. It's just to keep my mind from replaying
the events of this evening over and over. It's not working,
of course. All I can think about is Scully.

Scully is asleep in my bedroom. Well, she's in there, anyway.
I'm not so sure she's asleep. But it's a miracle that she even
let me convince her to stay at my place, so I'm not about to
press my luck. Hell, if I can't sleep after what happened
tonight, how can I expect her to? After all that we've faced,
together and alone, this is the first time I've ever feared
that things would not be ok in the end. Even when she was sick,
I always believed that she would be cured. More specifically,
that *I* would find her cure. Even as she told me to let her
save me, I couldn't put away the thought that somehow *I* would
save *her.* I was too consumed with my desire to save her that
I didn't have any time to contemplate the thought that I might
fail. But tonight, much as I want to go to her, something tells
me that there's nothing I can do. The look on her face when she
finally agreed to stay at my apartment was one of resignation.
She agreed because she couldn't be bothered to argue with me
anymore. And that scares the shit out of me.

I can hear her moving around in there. Now it's confirmed.
She's probably been awake the whole night, condemning
herself. After our conversation in her bedroom earlier
she hadn't said much more on the topic, but I know that no
matter the legal outcome, Scully will never truly be at
peace with this. And I can't blame anyone but me. Selfish,
I know. Patronizing as well. Not only is it not my job to
protect her, she shoots down virtually every attempt. I
can count on one hand the number of times Scully has let
me protect her in some way. But I still can't help feeling
that I should have been there sooner. I should have known
that Pfaster would go after her. I should know every time
she's in danger. I should be there to save her. Man, she'd
kick my ass if I ever told her any of this.

Suddenly consumed by the need to see her, I creep
to my bedroom door and look in on her. She's not
asleep, of course, but lying with her back to the
door, so I can watch her unobserved. She's there.
She's real. This latest incident in a long line of
my failures to keep her safe has not taken her from
me. She sighs, a heartbreaking sound to my ears, and
startles me by speaking.

"Mulder, did you want something?" Still not looking
at me.

"Um... I... I was just...." Genius. Pure genius. I
can't come up with any plausible reason why I might
be standing in the doorway staring at her while she
sleeps. Or doesn't sleep. Whatever.

"Go to sleep, Mulder. I'll be here."

My heart leaps, and a small smile appears on my face.
"Goodnight, Scully." I turn back to the couch. Maybe
she knows me better than I thought. And maybe everything
will be ok after all.

**************************************************************

As I'm sure you all could tell, this was my first
posted fanfic. Not the first that I've written,
but just as bad, I've no doubt. I sent this before
I could talk myself out of it. Then when I did, I
had already made the mistake of sending it out
without formatting it or including headers, etc.

Please let me know what you think, good bad or
indifferent. If there's hope -- help me! This
was not beta-read, as I have no beta. If I'm
hopeless, tell me so I don't take up any more
space in your inbox.

If you made it this far, thanks for reading.
This was dedicated to all the wonderful
writers whose works I've been reading for over
a year now, who have inspired me. Thanks for
providing such great entertainment.
 
 

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