TITLE: Hair Wars    (1 of 1)

AUTHOR: FabulousMonster

EMAIL ADDRESS: fabulousmonster@hotmail.com

DISCLAIMER: I do not own these characters. They are the 

property of Ten-Thirteen, Chris Carter and Co. and FOX.

DISTRIBUTION STATEMENT: Gossamer, Xemplary, and Spooky 

Awards, yes. Anywhere else, just let me know.

SPOILER WARNING: Nothing to worry about. Takes place just 

before "The Amazing Maleeni."

RATING: PG

CLASSIFICATION: S, H, MSR, UST, Scully POV

SUMMARY: It has surprised me that CC&Co. has tried to tie 

up the series' Syndicate and Samantha story lines instead 

of addressing THE question that haunts true X-Philers: 

what's with the hair in Seasons 6 and 7? 



AUTHOR'S NOTES: To fully appreciate this story, I have one 

word for you: Flowbee. If you don't know what this is, go 

to http://www.flowbee.com/.



Again, all thanks to my betas Hillary and Duke who keep me 

honest and help me through my insecurities. Thanks also to  

my CrystalShipmates--I couldn't ask for a better support 

group for my X-Files addiction.



Feedback is always appreciated...hey, I live for it! 



XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX





Hair Wars      





I have been looking at that damn haircut for over a year.



I was peering at it right now through the mid-afternoon 

gloom of our office. Mulder didn't sense my scrutiny. He 

was absorbed in a case file, feet propped against the edge 

of his desk, absently crunching sunflower seeds. The Hair 

in question was sticking straight up, its shape and 

texture unchanged as he ran his hand through it casually.



Yes, the Hair. 



I'd come to think of it as its own entity, reflecting the 

distinctive personality of its owner: combative, 

sarcastic, cocky, abrasive, seductive....



Whoa, Dana. Ascribing human traits to inanimate objects--

wasn't that a warning sign of mental illness? I flipped 

through Abnormal Psychology 101 in my mind. Maybe not 

mental illness, but certainly an overactive imagination 

fueled by boredom--or an overt fondness for all things 

Disney. I gave myself a mental shake and began to review 

and catalogue the autopsy reports sent down by Skinner. 

Stop fixating; start working. 



I snuck another glance at the Hair. So much for working--

the Hair had other ideas. 



The Hair was mocking me. In fact, the Hair and I had not 

been on speaking terms since the spare underbrush that now 

stared back at me replaced its previously luxurious locks.



xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx



The Hair was conceived after Mulder and I returned from 

Antarctica. Rumors were rampant that we would not be 

reassigned to the X-Files, especially when we were 

relegated to the agent bullpen. As we settled into our new 

office arrangements, I struggled with the LAN link to my 

new computer. Mulder stayed behind one night to assist me, 

although his computer knowledge was no greater than mine. 

The room was dark except for the illumination from our 

desk lamps. As I moved around the back of my computer to 

check the connections, I heard a rustle behind me. 

Turning, I saw a large paper bag adorning Mulder's desk. 

Looking up at him, I was struck by the boyish grin 

creeping over his face.



I had to ask. "What's in the bag, Mulder?"



He moved around his desk and reached into the bag. 

"Scully, who said, 'The absurd man is he who never 

changes'?"



"Michael Jackson?"



He smiled. "No, I said, 'never changes.' I smiled back. 

"Seriously, what I have in this bag is going to transform 

the incongruous nature of my woebegone life," he declared 

theatrically.



The Complete Works of Ron Jeremy. Alien ray gun. Time 

machine. Groceries. I was intrigued in spite of myself. 

With a flourish, he pulled a box out of the bag and 

presented it to me.



I felt my eyebrows crawl into my hairline. "Mulder, you've 

got to be kidding," the laughter and disbelief mixing in 

my voice.



"Scully, it's perfect. I saw it on The Shopping Channel a 

couple of weeks ago. Do you know they sold over 2,000 in 

less than a hour?"



Great. Two thousand potential case files for us. I 

examined the contents further. Aghast, I informed him, 

"Mulder, do you know that they use this on dogs?"



But Mulder was on a roll. "Do you know how much time and 

money this will save me?" he said, practically panting 

from excitement. I suddenly flashbacked to our first case: 

Mulder standing in the pouring rain breathlessly 

explaining his alien abduction theories while I laughed at 

the absurdity of his words, his demeanor, and my 

willingness to go along.



Like that first time, I heard myself laughing and I 

watched as Mulder's smile reached goofy proportions. After 

the strain of Antarctica, the release of this tension felt 

surprisingly good. He stepped into my personal space, 

ducking his head to catch my gaze. As I looked into his 

eyes, I saw merriment and relief. 



We both reveled in the purity of the moment. I averted my 

eyes back to the box, the smile never leaving my face. 

"Mulder, do you even own a vacuum to run this thing?"



He grabbed the box from me in mock indignation and put it 

back in the bag. "Scully, 'Change will occur; vacuums will 

be filled.' If you're going to get all technical on me, 

you'll just have to wait for the results."



The results? He wasn't actually serious.



"Mulder..." I warned.



But he already had his coat on, the bag tucked jauntily 

under his arm. "Goodnight, Scully," he said, waving his 

hand in a mock adieu. "I'll see you Monday."



He strode to the elevator, leaving me standing 

dumbfounded, computer cables dangling from my hand. He 

wouldn't....



Yep, he would. 



I was rummaging through my desk for a yellow Post-it note 

Monday morning when I heard the rumble roll through the 

bullpen. I followed 20 pairs of eyes to the vision 

sauntering towards us from the elevator. Muffled snickers 

greeted his arrival.



"Nice 'do, Mulder."



"Mulder, I thought you put the weedwacker away for the 

season."



Mulder shrugged off the snide comments, and sat down at 

his desk facing me. 



The Hair had arrived. A bouncing, Flowbee-d bundle of joy.



Expectation etched across Mulder's face. And frankly, I 

didn't know what to say as the amusement of Friday rapidly 

gave way to dismay. Mulder's hair had always been one of 

his best features; now it looked like raggedly-cut grass. 

I was sure I saw a lawn-ornament gnome peek out from its 

scraggly underbrush.



I felt a spark of anger. Today, we were to meet with the 

Office of Professional Review to determine whether we 

would be reassigned to the X-Files and he was going to 

present himself to them as Bart Simpson. 



I felt my chest tightening and so I looked at him squarely 

in the eye and said....



Nothing. Absolutely nothing about the Hair. 



Instead, I reminded him of our 11:00 AM meeting with the 

Review panel and made a hasty exit to the lab. His eyes on 

the back of my neck made my implant throb.



Of course, the meeting went poorly. Mulder was 

argumentative with the OPR committee, and the Hair 

'flipped the bird' to each and every one of the members at 

least twice. To top it off, I was sure it had a few choice 

gestures for me when Mulder and I argued in the corridor 

later.



xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx



That was a year ago. The X-Files was ours again. The 

basement was ours. The Hair remained. 



Despite my dislike, I thought the Hair served its purpose 

over the past year. It provided some levity, albeit to the 

wrong people. I knew The Gunmen--mavens of style--had been 

merciless in their critique. 



But I think the Hair was Mulder's way of taking control of 

our roller-coaster existence last year. It wasn't lost on 

me that the Hair underwent renovations during high moments 

of stress. While we were off the X-Files, the Hair stayed 

consistently shorn. It was spiked to the heavens everytime 

we met with Kersh. When the ghost told Mulder that he was 

prone to paramasturbatory illusions, the Hair's sideburns 

virtually disappeared. I could almost hear the Flowbee 

being fired up after his drug-induced declaration of love 

in Bermuda.

 

I looked over at him again, the autopsy reports be damned. 

The Hair stuck its tongue out at me.



"Mulder, how much longer am I going to have to look at 

that haircut?" The venom in my voice surprised me; I had 

planned to be more tactful.



It surprised Mulder as well. He looked up from his case 

file startled, and I realized that it was the first time I 

had ever acknowledged the Hair. The Hair struck a 'don't-

go-there-girlfriend' pose.



"What do you mean, Scully?" He put aside the case file, 

got up and leaned with exaggerated casualness against the 

front of his desk. He folded his arms across his chest and 

regarded me with amusement. "Don't you like my hair?"



His tone and the Hair's smirky disposition irked me. I got 

up from my work area and faced him, arms crossed 

defiantly. "I think you've made your point."



"Oh, and what point would that be?" he inquired 

innocently.



"C'mon, Mulder." I gestured helplessly. "The I-refuse-to-

be pigeon-holed-by-FBI-rules point. It's perfect, Mulder: 

take the FBI's rules for male agents' hair length and turn 

it on its ear with that absurd hair cut!" I wasn't going 

to tell him about my other theory of control.



"Scully, you think I cut my hair this way as some way of 

'sticking it to the Man?'" The Hair chuckled at the 

thought. "You know, Scully, in ancient Egypt, a young boy 

was not permitted to cut his side lock of hair until the 

age of thirteen. At that point, he was no longer 

considered an extension of his parents, but his own man, 

and was afforded the freedom that entailed. There are 

similar examples in Inca, Navaho, and Abyssinian 

cultures." 



Oh, brother. 



"While I admit to being intrigued by the Machiavellian 

undertones of your argument, I cut my hair in homage to 

the brotherhood of our forebears: 'I cut my hair, 

therefore I am.'" He ran his hands through the Hair. It 

didn't budge.



"Not only am I a link between our forefathers and future 

generations, Scully, but this hair has practical benefits 

as well. It's maintenance-free, wash n' wear hair. No 

muss, no fuss. Perfect for my active G-man lifestyle." He 

struck a Heisman-trophy pose using the nameplate on his 

desk as the football, and I had to bite my lip from 

laughing. Poor Mulder. Poor delusional, in-denial Mulder.



I sighed resignedly. "Okay, Mulder. Believe what you want. 

But--with all due respect to your forebears--your hair was 

never high-maintenance to begin with."



I felt a twinge of irritation. Why was he deliberately 

being so dense? Why did I bring up the entire issue in the 

first place? I grabbed one of the autopsy files and 

flipped a couple of x-rays onto the light screen in the 

adjoining room. "Mulder, do what you want--your hair is 

your business."



My irritation grew as he continued to look at me. "Maybe 

we should talk about this?" he suggested. The Hair nodded 

in agreement.



"Mulder, forget I brought it up. Go back to your case 

file." I pretended to study the x-ray, adopting a 'Gosh- 

look-at-the-mass-on-that-femur' expression. Maybe he would 

get the hint that I wanted to end this conversation.



Finally, I heard him move to sit down. Before he did, 

however, the Hair lobbed a grenade in my direction. 

"You're probably right, Scully. You're not ready to talk 

about this right now."



What...?!



"What does that mean?"



"It means, I don't think you're ready to talk about the 

freedom that comes with this hair."



What...?!



I couldn't help myself. I peered around the corner. "And 

what freedom would that be?"



The Hair looked at me smugly. "You know, independence, 

irresponsibility, fun...." He looked closely at me, eyes 

narrowed. "Nope, you're not ready yet."



Did Mulder just say I was not fun? Seven years of playing 

straight man to his manic persona. Seven years of 

volleying his rapier wit, innuendoes, and double 

entendres. 



I was more damn fun than a barrel of monkeys. 



I walked deliberately back into the office area. He was 

sitting back in his chair, legs stretched out and crossed 

at the ankles. The light from his desk lamp gave the Hair 

an unearthly yellow glow. 



"So what you're telling me, Mulder, is, you're ready for 

this 'freedom,' but I'm not."



"I've been ready for over a year."



Danger, danger, Dana Scully. The Hair had lured me into 

its trap, hook, line and follicle. I had two options: go 

back to my autopsy reports before this conversation turned 

in a direction I was not ready to go; or challenge the 

Hair and its presumptiveness. Logic dictated that I make a 

strategic withdrawal; but at that moment, logic was having 

its butt kicked by Irish ancestral fire. Celtic blood 

flowed through my veins.



I took two more steps, coming to a stop just outside the 

boundary of his crossed ankles. "Just how short does one's 

hair have to be to obtain this 'freedom'?"



I saw his eyes narrow. "C'mon, Scully...." The Hair began to 

retreat. I cut off its escape route. I moved another step 

closer, forcing Mulder to uncross his ankles and sit up in 

his chair. 



"C'mon, Mulder," I mimicked. "You started this. As a 

scientist, I want to know what length of hair will...."



Maybe it was the tone of my voice. Maybe it was the step 

towards him. Maybe it was my flushed face. There was a 

sudden shift in the tectonic plates of our relationship. 

The fault line was sinking.



I watched as he sat up straighter in his chair. He called 

on some ancestral fire of his own. The Cossacks swept down 

from the Alps to do battle. He looked directly at me and I 

met his gaze. To flinch was to die. 



"Three inches."



Three inches. Three inches would leave me looking like 

Raggedy Ann. Three inches would expose the scar. My hand 

moved instinctively to the back of my neck. Mulder caught 

the movement and the fire in his eyes was quickly replaced 

with understanding.



"Actually, I'm mistaken. I meant to say three 

centimeters...two inches." He demonstrated the length 

between his thumb and forefinger. He was trying to make a 

joke. 



I should have appreciated that he was letting me up off 

the canvas. Instead, I was put off--the Mulder I knew 

didn't back down from a fight. I took another step towards 

him. There was nowhere to go except within the circle of 

his legs. I was in Mulder territory, blatantly invading 

his space as he had done repeatedly with me. The Hair 

signaled red alert.



Ever so slowly, I bent at the waist until my lips were 

level with his ear. "Two inches it is then," I whispered. 

The Hair strained in the direction of my voice.



I pulled back and looked at him. His eyes were closed for 

a moment, and then snapped opened. Disbelief, 

anticipation, amusement, and excitement played about his 

face. 



The Hair looked like it needed a cigarette.



The ringing of the telephone ended our duel as Mulder 

almost capsized out of his chair scrambling to answer it. 

I took the opportunity to make the strategic withdrawal I 

should have earlier. While he was still on the telephone, 

I gathered up my files and coat, and waved a silent 

goodbye to him from the doorway.



By Saturday morning, I had almost talked myself out of 

getting the haircut in question. It was infantile to 

engage in these games. If Mulder wanted to look like an 

asparagus, who was I to argue? 



Yes, as I gave my bathroom a vigorous scrubbing, I knew I 

had made the right decision. I was going to lead with my 

actions; I was going to take the high road. 



The telephone rang. Up to my elbows in Comet, I decided to 

let the answering machine get it. Frohike's voice filled 

my apartment.



"Scully, it's Frohike. Mulder asked me to give you a 

message. 'One plus one equals two.' He said you'd 

understand." And then, sotto voce: "Sounds very 

clandestine. I'd be delighted to offer you my personal 

services...." He was interrupted by Langly's bellow in the 

background. "Frohike, get off the phone, somebody could be 

taping this!"



<click>



The suds ran off my gloved hands, down my arm and puddled 

on the floor.



Two hours later, my hairdresser, David was pleading with 

me to reconsider. I was steadfast. To hell with taking the 

high road--the low road had fewer tolls. Resignedly, he 

began to cut.



"Don't forget to thin it out," I reminded him. If I 

couldn't give Mulder three inches, it was going to look 

like it.



An hour later, I hardly recognized myself. David had 

styled it as well as he could, but it was short. 



I had Hair.



The Hair and I became acquainted over the weekend. It 

certainly was lighter and I was pleasantly surprised that 

a quick pass with a comb countered the effects of a 

blustery Sunday. I caught my reflection in the mirror at 

the grocery store and the Hair smiled bashfully at me.



Monday dawned windy and unseasonably cold. I was up early, 

hell-bent to get into the office before Mulder. As I 

reached into the closet for my trenchcoat, I happened upon 

the soft gray felt of a cape. One of the few things I had 

of Melissa's, it certainly did not fit my normal tailored 

style. I'd only wore it once or twice--when I needed to 

feel close to Missy. I didn't think Mulder had even seen 

it.



I pulled it on. It was too big, but I told myself that it 

was all part of its loose style. I pulled the hood over my 

head and examined the effect in the hall mirror. A tuft of 

Hair peeked out under the hood. I debated about the hood, 

but decided to go with it. It would stop any questions 

about my new Hair until I was safely in the office.



I arrived at the office at 7:00 AM. As I clipped 

purposefully down the hall, I noticed with dismay the 

light gleaming through the open door. Mulder was already 

there. Taking a deep breath, I strode resolutely into the 

office.



The office was empty. I put my briefcase down and started 

to take off my cape when I sensed a change in the 

atmospheric pressure of the room. I knew Mulder was 

standing right behind me, and I turned slowly to face him.



We both looked intently at each other. Our normal 'good 

mornings' were left unsaid. Instead, his eyes roved over 

my Little Gray Riding-hood outfit. I noticed that his Hair 

was newly Flowbee-d.



I moved to pull the hood from my head, but he stopped me 

with a slight touch to my forearm. Eyes stilled locked 

with mine, he reached forward to remove the hood himself. 

I was rooted to the floor and felt the hood fall gently to 

my shoulders.



He took in the Hair. With exaggerated slowness, he grasped 

me by the shoulders, turning me to the side and then to 

the back to examine the Hair from all angles. He moved me 

again to face him, and I felt a mixture of anticipation 

and expectation on my face. It became harder to breathe. 

He gave me a soft smile, took a step towards me, and....



Said nothing. Absolutely nothing about my Hair. 



Instead he walked by me to grab a file from his desk, 

reminded me of our 11:00 AM meeting with Skinner, turned 

on his heel, and walked out the door. His Hair waved a 

jaunty goodbye.  



Bastard. I think my Hair needed a cigarette.



At 10:50 AM, Mulder still had not returned to our office. 

He was going to make me face Skinner by myself. I quickly 

gathered up my notes, and took the elevator to the fifth 

floor. The startled glances from the other passengers at 

my Hair heightened my growing irritation. My Hair thumbed 

its nose at them.



As I got off the elevator, a familiar lanky form strode 

towards me. "Where were you, Mulder?" I hissed as I met 

with him and we continued our walk to Skinner's office. 



"Just taking care of a couple of things with The Gunmen. 

They're onto something big." My annoyance was palpable. 

Playing with the boys instead of preparing for the 

meeting. Expecting me to cover for him. Ignoring my Hair. 



Welcome to my world. Nothing ever changed.



We arrived at Skinner's office. Kimberly took one look at 

us and became fascinated with sorting papers on her desk. 

She coughed once, twice and then got up quickly and went 

into Skinner's office. The day was going from bad to 

worse. While we waited, Mulder sat beside me, making a 

steeple of his fingers. He looked everywhere around the 

room except at me. My Hair frizzed in annoyance.



Kimberly reappeared. "The Assistant Director will see you 

now." 



Just outside the doorway, Mulder suddenly bent down and 

whispered in my ear, "Skinner's gonna love your hair!" He 

sailed past me into the room as I stood there frozen by 

his words. I could feel the flush starting at my toes. 



Skinner looked over at me. His eyes widened and then 

narrowed. "Will you be joining us, Agent Scully?"



Just put one foot in front of the other. "Yes, sir."



I sat there for the next hour listening to Mulder prattle 

on about our case statistics for the past quarter. He'd 

obviously done some prep work beforehand because he 

smoothly took control of the meeting. 



Half way through the meeting, Mulder's Hair smiled shyly 

at mine.



My Hair smiled back.



The meeting came to a close. Skinner gave us a new case to 

work on regarding a magician. We waited to be dismissed.

Instead, he stared at us and cleared his throat. 



"Uh, are you two planning to join the Marines?"



I looked stupidly at him. Mulder stood, and tapped me on 

the shoulder to follow. I rose automatically. 



"No, sir." He paused for a minute. The Hair glanced at 

Skinner slyly. "Well, maybe just maneuvers."



I watched with clinical detachment as the floor rose up 

and swallowed me whole. I imagined the police report 

explaining my disappearance--it would make for interesting 

reading:



Officer:  What exactly happened?



Skinner:  A hole just opened in the floor and Agent 

Scully vanished.



Officer:  Has this happened before?



Skinner:  No.



Mulder:  Well, there was that time we gave you our report 

on the vampire sheriff and delivery boy....



Skinner: Ignore him.



Officer: (looking at Mulder) Do you have anything else to 

add?



Mulder:  Cool, a real X-File.



Hand to the small of the back, Mulder directed me out the 

door. Kimberly passed us on our way out. As Mulder and I 

entered the elevator, I was sure I heard raucous laughter 

from Skinner's office.



Yes, it was official. I was having a bad Hair day. Very 

bad.



The rest of the day passed uneventfully. I hid in the 

basement, willing my Hair to grow. Mulder said nothing, 

apparently deciding that discretion was the better part of 

valor. By 5:00 PM, the silence was killing me. Besides, 

Mulder may have been quiet, but his Hair had been humming 

all afternoon.



"So, Mulder, what's going on?"



He turned to look at me from the light screen where he'd 

been examining an x-ray. "What do you mean?"



I walked over to the screen to see what he was looking at. 

"This whole hair thing...why did I let you talk me into it?"



"Ah, if only I had that power." His Hair laughed quietly.  

"I think you knew it was time for a change."



He didn't look at me and I didn't look at him. We both 

continued to study the x-ray. I could see the minute 

stress fractures in the airplane wing we were examining.



"What happened to this plane?" 



"It had to make an emergency landing in an Indiana corn 

field when the structural integrity of the wing became 

compromised."



"Structural integrity?" I studied the x-ray intently. "It 

appears that the structural composition was changed. How 

did...?"



"I think a change is coming, Scully. For both of us."



I could feel his intense gaze on me. I looked closer at 

the x-ray and ran a finger down one of the more pronounced 

fissures. I needed to keep us focused on the matter at 

hand. "These fractures...the resultant change to the wing 

could have been brought about age or prolonged use or 

exposure."



"Are you saying change only happens when something's been 

worn down?" 



"I'm hypothesizing about the wing."



"I think a change is coming, Scully. For both of us," he 

repeated softly.



So much for the matter at hand. "Maybe the wing just 

surrendered to the inevitable." My Hair floated the idea 

into the air.



We both regarded each other. "And crashed and burned," he 

sighed ruefully.



"Didn't you say it made an emergency landing?"



"Potato, potahto." His Hair considered my words more 

closely. "Well, maybe bent but not broken." 



"Lose the battle...win the war." I paused and locked my eyes 

with his. "I wish I was as certain as you, Mulder."



"We deserve a change, Scully."



My Mom's favorite Psalm came to mind: "'They that sow in 

tears shall reap in joy.'"



"Then we deserve a good change." His Hair smiled 

wistfully. We stood together in comfortable silence. 



My Hair became impatient. "And you think a haircut is...."



"A bad haircut," he corrected.



"A bad haircut is..." I repeated



"A giant step in the right direction." 



Our Hair applauded the logic of his argument. 



Mulder pulled down the x-ray and snapped off the light 

screen. "Scully, I promised you freedom and fun as a 

result of your haircut. Given the day that you've had, I 

think I owe you as much."



I looked at him tiredly. "Mulder, you don't owe me 

anything. I just want to go home, soak in a tub, and burn 

you in effigy until my hair grows back."



His Hair smirked. "I insist. Besides, the boys are waiting 

for us."



The boys. Ah, yes, they were onto something big. "Oh, 

Mulder, I don't know if I can handle...."



"Not another word, Scully." He slipped the cape over my 

shoulders. "Our trip to Grandma's house awaits."



Dodging the ICBM launched from my Hair, he directed us to 

the parking garage. There in all its glory was The 

Gunmen's VW bus. At the sight of us, the three spilled out 

like clowns from a circus car. Only these clowns looked 

different from normal.



It took a moment to register. My eyes brimmed with tears, 

and the smile that broke across my face made my cheeks 

ache. 



The three of them had Hair.



Frohike--who didn't have that much hair to begin with--had 

shaved what remained into a salt n' pepper brush cut. 

Byers' Hair wasn't quite as short, but still cropped 

closely to his head. It made his ears stick out 

endearingly. And Langly--actually, closer examination of 

Langly revealed his Hair pulled back into an absurd 

topknot. 



"Hey, it would have been like Samson cutting his hair; 

besides I did trim my split ends," he responded to my 

quizzical look.



I continued to stand there, taking in their new look. The 

warmth I felt had nothing to do with the cape bundled 

around me. Finally, I found my voice. "Are you guys 

joining the Marines?" Hey, it was funny this afternoon.



Byers stepped forward. "Mulder told us that you were 

embarking on a spiritual journey, and that we could be of 

some assistance." He shrugged sheepishly. "It seemed a 

small price to pay to lend our support."



I turned to face Mulder who had been standing quietly in 

the background. "'Spiritual journey'?"



Mulder's Hair chortled. "Scully, as a member of the female 

gender of our species, you have never experienced the 

freedom that a man feels after getting his hair cut. It is 

primal and yet almost spiritual--it makes you think all 

things are possible, no mountain too high, no valley too 

low, no river too wide...."



"Mulder, are you suggesting that I become Diana Ross to 

your Berry Gordy, Jr.?" The Gunmen's Hair snickered.



"Fine, make jokes, Scully, and miss the once-in-a-lifetime 

opportunity we are offering you."



I was missing a page out of the playbook. Frohike picked 

up the narrative and slid back the van door with a 

flourish. "Welcome to freedom, Scully!"



Maybe I was missing two pages. Frohike noted my confusion. 

"Ground Zero, Scully. The hidden world of men with 

haircuts." I allowed him to take my hand and help me into 

the van. 



Langly regarded me from the passenger's seat. "Mulder, you 

weren't kidding, she really went to town on her hair." I 

loved being talked about as if I wasn't there. "Well, I 

guess she's ready to play in our clubhouse."



Spiritual journey. Playing in the clubhouse. Reaping what 

we sow. Mulder settled in beside me and closed the van 

door. "We deserve a good change," he reminded me quietly.



My Hair pondered his words. Maybe it was time to have some 

fun. "So does this 'spiritual journey' through the hidden 

world of men with haircuts involve a trip to Home Depot?" 

I inquired innocently.



Frohike tapped me lightly on the shoulder from the back 

seat. "Not only Home Depot, but I see Radio Shack in our 

immediate future." His Hair rubbed its hands with 

anticipation.



"Don't forget The Sharper Image," Langly chimed in.



Byers glanced over his shoulder from the driver's seat. 

"Did you know Agent Scully that ancient Egyptian males 

were not permitted to cut their side lock of hair...?"



I lost track of Byers' words as I gazed at the van's 

passengers with affection. 



Yes, I think my Hair and I were ready for the journey. 





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AUTHOR'S NOTES PART 2: Ron Jeremy is a rather--ahem--

prolific porn star. The quote, 'The absurd man is he who 

never changes' is from Auguste Barthelemy. The quote, 

'Change will occur; vacuums will be filled,' is the second 

part of the more famous, 'Just as nature abhors a vacuum, 

humans resist change,' from Nikki Giovanni. The Heisman 

Trophy is awarded each year to the outstanding U.S. 

college football player. If you want to see Mulder's 

Heisman pose, check out 

http://www.heismanmemorialtrophy.com/. The Psalm quoted is 

Psalm 126.5. '...No mountain too high, no valley too low, no 

river too wide...' are paraphrased lyrics from the Diana 

Ross and the Supremes Motown classic 'Ain't No Mountain 

High Enough.' Berry Gordy, Jr. is the founder of Motown.



Have I mentioned that I love feedback? Tell me what Mulder 

and Scully Hair you like (Fight the Future Hair is my 

favorite).



Please visit Laine's CrystalShip at 

http://members.xoom.com/Crystal_Ship.



If you would like to read some more of my X-Files fanfic, 

please check out Fran58's excellent site: 

http://www.atmosphere.be/media/fran58/fabmon/fabmon.html.