"Into My Heart"
by Marie Endres joemimi@prodigy.net

Classification: Scully Angst, MSR

Rating: G

Spoilers: "Surekill"

Summary: "Did he see into my heart?"

Disclaimer: Mulder, Scully, and Doggett do not 
belong to me. They belong to Chris Carter, 1013 
Productions and Fox Broadcasting.



"Into My Heart"
 

   The walls begin to push out, to open beyond 
the half-lit room. My thoughts begin to take me 
somewhere far from here, yet as near as my soul.  
My attention is interrupted by the words spoken 
by the fellow agent to my right:

       "Well, if you're suggesting he could see 
into her heart, Agent, I think we're out of FBI 
territory on this one."

       Perhaps we are going beyond. Perhaps I am 
closer to FBI concerns than my co-worker knows. 
If this sad man behind that two way glass could 
see into the heart of another, maybe there was 
one who could see into my heart as well. All 
with a singular look.

    Why in all the world did he choose to look 
at me, to look into 
me? When his eyes could have looked on any other 
in the world, what was it about me and my heart 
that drew his unwavering attention? Was it 
because he could really see into me and know me 
better than I knew myself? Or was it mere chance 
that placed me in his field of vision, a strange 
cosmic roll of the dice, and habit made him 
unable to look away?

         At first, it was a command that placed 
me in his life, following the rules and doing 
what was expected, that made me take that first 
step toward him. Once in his presence, I came 
face to face with my deepest worry- - failure. 
Nothing could have enticed me to share this 
feeling long hidden. It was my fear of being 
"discovered," of someone finding out that I 
wasn't the perfect, intelligent, determined, 
young woman I appeared to be. I hid the 
insecurity underneath grown-up, unflattering 
garb in a quiet attempt to always be taken 
seriously, lest I be found out. Under the 
surface, I feared that I was an impostor, having 
an accomplished life with little experience. As 
I spent time near and around him, how could he 
not know? He saw my fear firsthand that night in 
Oregon when I flung myself into his unyielding 
chest, when the fear became too great, and 
didn't he do the unexpected? Instead of running 
to the nearest superior demanding a new, more 
experienced partner who would not run at the 
sight of a few bug bites, he stayed and he gave 
something indescribable. He gave of himself. 
Despite my most secret fears of failure and 
inadequacy, he chose that night to allow me in, 
to let me help carry his burdens. I may not have 
trusted me, but he did.

         It would have been so easy for me to 
slip into my pattern of craving approval from a 
man who was above me, desiring something 
familiar in a world turned upside down. Knowing 
me, caring to take the time to know me, he would 
not allow that. Rather, again and again, he 
would listen, not agreeing, but never requiring 
my acquiescence. To have me agree with him would 
have betrayed the logic of my heart. He wanted 
me never to hand myself  over, even if it meant 
that in his moments of desperation, I would 
stand apart in my thoughts.

         In the days of my deepest need, when 
death was a friend and a foe, could he see 
something within me that others could not? 
Family, colleagues wanted me to stop this 
chasing after truth, in hopes of halting the 
inevitable. Knowing me better than the 
frightened woman who wrote her dying words upon 
pages meant for the trash, he knew I needed to 
choose life. He knew that this wasn't the end, 
that we would go on together, the white of my 
robe feeding into the black of his leather, a 
continuing circle of yin and yang. He knew that 
life was my destiny, even when I thought it had 
been taken from me.

         Searching the deepest parts of who I 
was, did he not find my deepest desire, one 
which I dared not even speak aloud to myself? To 
admit my need to give and sustain life would 
have screamed of my inability to do so. Yet, he 
seemed to know. That night when he shielded me 
from persistent cold, and said that there had to 
be an end, I thought he wanted me to back away 
from the fight. I wouldn't even allow myself to 
think of another path, to imagine walking away. 
I feared defeat. He knew there could be triumph. 
Did he see what I could not? Could he perceive 
the life already growing within me? A life that 
was truly ours? Did he know what would happen by 
searching my heart? Did he lay 
down his life, knowing that the only way for me 
to give life was for him to give his in ransom? 


         Does he know me still? Know me better 
than I know myself? I fear the future, fear a 
time when I will hold our child in my arms and 
have to face life without him. Does he know of 
some secret strength that will uphold me if he 
never returns? Does he see this power already 
within me? Has it been there all along? Is his 
ongoing gift to me the ability to see me as he 
always has? 


END

Feedback: On this the anniversary of my first 
story posting, speak to my heart! 
joemimi@prodigy.net

Thank you as always to Georgia, who has looked 
into my heart and still likes me, and to the 
XScenes group, whose unwavering kindness blesses 
me!