Sat, 26 Jul 1997 Title: "X-Ster" Author: Suspect Affiliations Rating: PG Classification: S/H (Story, Humor) Spoilers: "Musings of a Cigarette-Smoking Man" Keywords: Summary: Mulder and Scully uncover the heinous plot of the Easter Bunny. Dedication: To my dad, who didn't put me in a straitjacket when I told him I was going to write a story about Cancerman being the Easter Bunny after I finished netpicking his brain on trees and Catholicism. Disclaimer: Mulder, Scully, Skinner, CSM, WMM, Unblonde, Fat Man, Ratboy, and TLG aren't mine. They belong to CC, 1013, and FOX. The Easter Bunny doesn't exist, but I'm sure somebody out there has a copyright on the story, and whoever you are no infringement is intended. The song "I Wanna Be There When You Come" is property of Echo and the Bunnymen. No infringement is intended. Author's Notes: Well, a bit more insanity from the mind of Chupacabra. Heh heh heh. And I even put _another_ alternative song in. Heh. ******* Fox Mulder ran down the stairs of the house in Chilmark. It was Easter. He had to go wake up Samantha so they could hunt for their Easter baskets together... The boy stopped. Samantha was gone. He turned and went back to bed. Three hours later, he went down to breakfast. His mother had made it special. His father had worked very late last night with that one man, who always smoked. An Easter basket was waiting at young Fox's seat. Fox smiled and pulled out a huge chocolate egg. His rich parents always got him tons of good stuff. Samantha had loved white chocolate and he'd hated it, so they'd have trading sessions... He sighed and bit into the egg, which had a hollow center. But he promptly spit it out. It tasted like... ash. He looked closer. In the center of the egg was a cigarette butt. Reading closely, Fox could make out the brand. "Morley." ******* Fox Mulder sat up promptly in bed. God, that recollection had been so clear... it was scary. He picked up the phone and dialed. "Scully." "Hey Scully it's me." "I figured- who else would be calling at three am? And so close to a holiday? So who's been abducted now, Mulder?" Mulder ignored her humor and spoke excitedly. "Scully, I just had the most incredible flashback. I need to get some confirmation on it." "Mulder, you had a dream. A manifestation of subconscious knowledge and wishes. What do you need to confirm? That Bill Clinton is a Reticulan?" Mulder paused. "No, Byers, Langly, and Frohike are already on that." Scully snickered. "Anyway, I need you to be ready in half an hour." "Where are we going?" "To check if Bill Clinton is a Reticulan." With that, he hung up. ******* Forty minutes later, he and Scully were on their way to the offices of the Lone Gunmen. A bag was in the space between them. "Mulder, I don't understand what chocolate eggs have to do with the X-Files. I mean it is Easter, but what are you implying? That eggs are alien?" Scully was tired and exasperated. "Maybe," was all Mulder would say. They parked and entered. "Password," Langly called through the intercom. "Langly, open the damn door, it's Mulder." "Password." Mulder gave Scully a half-smile. "Queequeg lives." The door opened. Scully put her hands on her hips. "What kind of joke is that, huh? 'Queequeg lives'? Why do you have to make fun of my dog?" she was angry. "Frohike came up with it," Langly said in explanation. "Mulder, whaddaya got for us?" Mulder held out the package. "I need a breakdown of all the materials in this commercial brand chocolate Easter egg." "OK." Frohike started the analysis while Byers, Langly, Mulder, and Scully had a conversation. "What do you know about the Easter bunny?" asked Mulder. "Common symbolism, used to brainwash kids," Byers replied immediately. Scully raised her eyebrows. "Think about it, Agent Scully. The Easter Bunny, Santa Claus, the Tooth Fairy- they are all plots by adults to get kids to recognize certain fantasies and are used in selling products. Any kid buys something if the Easter Bunny has it. It's very clever. We're trying to figure out how the government will use them in their heinous plots." "Hey," Frohike called. "You mess with this, Mulder?" "No, not at all," Mulder replied. "Well, somebody did, otherwise how would cigarette ash get in here?" "Cigarette ash?" Scully was incredulous. "Yeah, but I can change that if you like," Frohike told her. Mulder snorted. "Down, Frohike. Hey, can you figure out what brand it is?" "No problem for us, Mulder, you know that," Langly said. Two minutes later Frohike spoke again. "Morley." Scully looked at her partner. "Mulder, is it-" "Yeah, I'm afraid so," he replied grimly. "Let's go." ******* Mulder and Scully made their way to Skinner's office the next day. Kimberly nodded at them to go in. "Agent Scully, Agent Mulder, sit down," said Skinner. Scully nodded and took a seat, but Mulder remained standing. "Sir, so you believe in the Easter Bunny?" Mulder asked. Skinner shot Scully a sideways look. "Was his water doped again?" She shook her head. "I was wondering if you thought *I* believed in such a thing. Because you must have thought me fragile enough that you couldn't tell me the truth about that cigaratte-smoking bastard." "What about him?" "That he's really the Easter Bunny. That's why, when they abduct people, they take _eggs_, right? Aren't I right? Because I have evidence to support this." Skinner sat down. "Agent Mulder, I knew I couldn't hide this from you for very long. Yes, this man is really the Easter Bunny. His name is that, in fact- Easter Bunny. It was given to him at birth, and as a child he was teased so much that it made him bitter in his mission. He thought that children who could be so cruel as to insult someone on the basis of their name didn't deserve such great treats." Realization dawned on Mulder's face. "That's why they took Samantha! She made fun of my first name! Scully, let's go!" "Wait." Something in the AD's voice made the two agents turn. "There's more. You guys have met Santa Claus, and the Tooth Fairy, and Cupid. You have to be very careful around these people. They can hurt you." "Who are you, sir?" asked Scully, her gaze pure ice. He sighed. "I was weak, always a turkey. That's why I am never around near Thanksgiving. It's my holiday." He looked at the two of them. "Now your friends, the ones you called X and Deep Throat, they were in charge of St. Patrick's Day... they were leprechauns. We tried to make these holidays pure again. But the corruption is too deep for us. It's up to you." With that, they left. ******* Mulder and Scully met Marita Covarrubias half an hour later. Only the Unblonde didn't know that she was meeting Scully. "Which one are you?" asked Mulder. "I'm sorry-" "Are you Cupid? Or are you the Tooth Fairy?" he demanded. "Agent Mulder, you're treading on dangerous ground here-" Scully cut her off. "Answer him." Her gun was pointed at the Unblonde's head. She sighed. "I'm Cupid. They put a woman in charge of the romance, try to give it a softer edge." Mulder nodded. "So which one is which? Is the fat guy Santa?" "No, the really clean and proper British guy is. He's the one is charge, and Santa has the most power," she explained. "I thought you worked for the UN," Mulder accused. "I do. International positions are the easiest for us to monitor everyone through," she explained. "The fat guy is the Tooth Fairy." "Oh." Mulder thought for a moment. "Well, thanks." ******* Alex Krycek wasn't afraid. Wary, sure, but not scared. Just cuz he had one arm wasn't reason for fear. Even if he was up against the guy who assassinated Kennedy, King, and numerous aliens... The Easter Bunny. Krycek was hurt. He'd worked hard to get his very own holiday. When the old Uncle Sam that was in charge of the 4th was revealed to be giving info to Mulder and was killed, Krycek was sure he would get that holiday. But no, X had. They said only aliens could get holidays. So he'd gone and gotten an alien in him, but it was the wrong alien, and he'd puked it all up out of his eyes anyways. Suddenly he felt a presence by his side. It was Agent Scully and a gun. "You little Ratboy, shut up unless you're telling us the truth," she said threateningly. Mulder stepped in front of him. "Love the prosthetic, Ratboy," he said. Then he stepped forward. "What can you tell us about the Easter Bunny?" Krycek gulped. "You guys... you found out?" "Yeah. That black-lunged SOB is him. Where can we find him?" Mulder asked. Krycek was very conscious of Scully's gun next to his temple. "Um, right now he's probably in Japan. It's Easter there right now," Krycek said honestly. "OK." Mulder nodded, and Scully pulled her gun away as they disappeared. ******* On the plane to Japan Scully listened to her tape. Eventually she had to turn it off, though- it was an Echo and the Bunnymen tape, and no matter how much she loved their latest "I Wanna Be There When You Come," the very thought of Bunnymen gave her violent impulses. They arrived in Japan and headed off to where the Unblonde (Mulder had talked to her on an airphone) said he'd be. And he was there. "Agent Mulder, Agent Scully," he said, calm despite his furry white ears and costume. "What a pleasant surprise." "Pleasant my ass," Mulder had said. "But Mulder, your ass is very pleasant," Scully had replied. "Well thank you partner. But my lovely ass is not the topic here. Or it shouldn't be, anyway. What are doing to kids everywhere?" he had demanded the Cancerman. "Well, we invented all sorts of strange ingredients that are tracking devices. It was my greatest achievement. We have everything on everyone- and it's not because of Santa, it's because of *ME*, the _Easter Bunny_. I kick ass." "Not my ass," Mulder shot back. "It's too pleasant, I won't risk it." "Oh Mulder," Scully whined, "I want to kick your ass so bad." "Well of course *you* can kick my ass, Scully, but not this perv- he's already _kissed_ Skinner's ass. He even puckered up." "Eew." Scully wrinkled her nose. The Cancerman/Easter Bunny blushed. "He made me. Otherwise that Navajo guy was going to reveal me. The Navajo don't have Easter, so they're immune." "Oh. Fascinating. Hey, why did you take my _eggs_?" asked Scully. "I eat human eggs." "YOU *ATE* MY *EGGS*?" Scully shouted. "You shouldn't have done that," Mulder muttered. "When she's pissed, she goes into kickass mode, um I gotta go hide..." "Well see I'm an alien. They provide sustenance. Otherwise the world would have no Easter Bunny." "Yeah, and it would be a much better place!" She pulled out her gun. "That's it, if you don't puke up my eggs *right now* I'll blow you away!" "I, um, can't puke them up." "WHAT?!" "I, um, can't-" He was forever silenced. Mulder came out of hiding then. "Um, is your kickass mood over?" "Yeah." "OK. Let's go." "Yeah." ******* OK, it's stupid, confusing, and bad. But I just love having Scully get pissed and blowing everyone away. And those jokes (they were *JOKES*, I am not turning into a shipper on you) about Mulder's ass were because they were drunk. Or maybe because I was. ******* OBSSE SYX Flukeman Fan Club Netpicker Fanfic Writer Rough Rider Founder, Society For A Kenny-Cloned America (AI Lofton) Beatlemaniac Alternative Junkie ******* *To get on the CHUPACABRA mailing list and receive a totally worthless but possibly somewhat amusing newsletter once a month, email me blorb@ix.netcom.com and tell me as much* *Email me anyway, too...* ******* "If I had a chocolate for every item in my sig line, My ars would be the size of New Hampshire!" *AND WHAT A PLEASANT ARS IT IS!!!!* ******* THE END :)